Today I went down a social media rabbit hole at 5.13am. I know what a weird time to be up and about. But it’s the only time I get to write, and move, and meditate, and do all the things that fill up my cup before the house gets loud and crazy. The mistake I made was to look at my phone when I came down into the kitchen to make myself some warm water with lemon. I usually have a policy to never look at my phone before I haven’t finished my whole morning routine, and get started on breakfast. I can’t even tell you why I looked at my phone while the kettle was doing its thing. Boredom? Habit of opening and closing apps? Either way, it happened. And oh woman, I went down a social media rabbit hole so big it swallowed me whole. You know that moment when you see a post, and maybe someone is tagged in it that you kind of know - either in real life or through the life of social media (which means you know EVERYTHING about them, everything they want you to know)? Anyways, you click on that someone, then you start to look through their profile. You hit a few of their posts, you read, you watch, you read more, you analyze every perfect photo of them and their child/puppy/smoothie, and the more you look, the crazier that feeling inside of you gets that they are living your dream life. Jealousy starts to take over, and you want to simultaneously throw your phone against the wall, but also you can’t stop looking. So you keep going and going while your jealousy is about to explode you, and then the two unthinkable things happen: you click on a video, which you never want to do, because then they can see you watched it, and aren’t they supposed to think you’ve fallen off the face of the earth, and have no idea what they are up to? And then - even worse - by mistake instead of scrolling, you move your thumb too quickly and it double taps a photo. Double tap!!!! That’s a like that they will see. A like from a photo of 2014, which means they will know that you spent at least 37 minutes scrolling through all of their posts, very likely looking and reading through each one, only to by mistake double tap that photo of them looking fabulous in their handstand by the ocean. Oh, the shame. You can not take back a double tap. It will forever show up in their notifications.
How do I know all of this? Because it happens on my feed all the time. Suddenly someone likes that cheese plate I posted in 2012, and all I can think is, wow, you really went all the way back to when I was still using the Valencia filter, and had no idea what to use this Instagram account for. And if you did, that must mean you went down a little social media rabbit hole, and the person you are jealous of/ mad at is me! It’s kind of flattering, but above all else, makes me feel like I am not alone in this world of endless comparing.
I have written about my love-hate-relationship with social media, and every single day I need to remind myself that I don’t just want to post pretty pictures for someone to like. I want to share stories that are true, I want to share how life shows up every day for me. Because that is what builds community. In my heart, I love the community on my social media, because all of you truly cheer me on and are there for me when things get tough. It's boundaries around social media that are the only thing that keep me sane enough to be on it every single day. Never ever compare someone else’s highlight reel to your own real life. That’s just going to make you miserable, and life is too short for that! So I am back to being very strict with my no-phone rule tomorrow, because I for sure can not take another morning of social media rabbit hole adventures, and feeling bad about myself.